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Elementary mistakes in feminist discussion
This page is a resource for men who are new to geek feminist discussions and who want to avoid inadvertently coming across as a concern troll. Geek feminism, like geekdom and most other discussions, has long experience of unhelpful people and has a list of things that signal that someone is about to be unhelpful. In geekdom in general for example, it's generally frowned upon to post to a mailing list or forum threatening to leave unless a condition is fufilled. (Especially if that condition is "unless people reply and say that they want me to stay".) But as in geekdom in general, people do sometimes do these things without realising that they have a long history of coming from unhelpful people and are thus highly marked. This page is designed to be a guide to not giving off unintentional signals that you're anti-feminist. But it was a joke... really! An important thing to note is that a lot of these things are tiresome to geek women even as an insider joke. Some people genuinely say and mean "you must have your period, you're acting crazy". Others say "you must have your period, you're acting crazy... haha you must get that a lot, what with the sexism in geekdom huh, don't worry, I'm an ally! Just proving I get it!" The latter may work among friends who know each other. Among strangers or near strangers it's grating and assumes a false intimacy. You can't tell what a stranger is in the mood to laugh at and you can't expect a stranger to be able to tell that you're joking, as opposed to joking-only-serious or entirely serious. What to do, and not to do Behaviour * Respect safe space. * If you don't for whatever reason know and recognise them, learn the polite signs people try and give in person when they want to end a conversation. Many women are trained by men's anger to be as non-confrontational as they can when ending interactions with men they don't know well. When you see these signs, say something polite and leave the conversation and the woman's immediate vicinity if possible. Speech * When talking about female humans, use the words woman and women, not "girl(s)" unless you are very sure that you mean to talk purely about female children. Also, don't use "females", to most English speakers it sounds like a scientific description, like you're an anthropologist among the women savages. "Female" can be used as an adjective. The noun you want is "woman". * In general watch out for wording things as if you divide the world up into two groups: "people" like you and "women". * Particular ways not to discuss women: ** As if everyone in hearing can be assumed to be sexually attracted to women and motivated to do things in order to please attractive women. This is alienating to both straight women and gay men because they aren't attracted to women, and also to women regardless of sexual orientation, because they become reminded of the male gaze fixed upon them. ** As if everyone in hearing can be assumed to regard women as mysterious fey creatures ("can't live with em, can't live without 'em"): women usually do not find themselves especially mysterious, and will gather that you're assuming an all-male audience. Social interaction * Women you've just met aren't any more likely to be your friend than men are, or to be sympathetic about your marital difficulties, job woes, depression or similar, and do not find that having strangers force emotional intimacy on them makes geekdom more welcoming and friendly. Save the personal revelations for your friends. * The purpose of feminism is not to make more women accessible to you, either as potential friends or as potential lovers. It's to make the world more accessible to women, because the world is a fun place to be. Don't add a rider to your statements of support for women in geekdom about how much you're looking forward to the hot/smart babes headed your way. Even if you are. ** In the same vein, hitting on a geek woman the instant you meet her is trite and offensive. Even as a joke. See maco's blog entry on the subject. * There's no reason to ask or assume anything about a woman's menstrual cycle in a geek context (or other non-intimate contexts), feminist or otherwise. Women are used to having PMS accusations and jokes used to paint them as irrational, and even if we weren't, our society generally expects that our reproductive organs and genitals will not be the subject of general conversation. * Women's anger is often minimised by being treated as either amusing or as destabilising and weird. Don't be weird about it. You don't have to engage with an angry person (although it can be educational), but angry women haven't suddenly negated all their own points by the fact of showing emotion. Anger happens when people care. ** Avoid the words "irrational" or "hysterical" to describe an argument, especially a woman's argument. "Irrational" is often applied to women. And while you may genuinely have not known this, "hysteria" was a fairly recent (mid/late 19th century) medical term for a disease in which women's uteruses were thought to make them crazy, and a lot of women do know this. The term is still vastly disproportionately applied to women even if no one is assuming our uteruses are wandering about. Feminist discussions * Don't deny women's experiences or feelings. If she states that something happened, or she felt such, then treat it as a fact in the discussion. * Don't use the reported experiences or feelings of women to attempt to trump other women talking about theirs ("but my friend thinks..." "but my wife says..." "but another blogger wrote..."). Women have different experiences from each other. You can discuss them as an alternative view, but two women with different perceptions does not make the one who supports your argument right. * When anyone has been a victim of harassment, don't ask about whether she or he reported it and why (not), whether she or he said something and why (not), whether she fought and why (not), whether she or he is going back to that forum or location and why (not). Especially don't phrase this as "you should have..." It is not the job of people who have been harassed or abused to educate the perpetrator or to try and keep the world safe from that perpetrator: the survivor should have the choice that the perpetrator denied them. The most you can do is say something like "if you decide to take any action and need any help or support, I can help." * Women are less likely than you to be able to assume a calm, disinterested and analytical tone when discussing feminist issues. Do not assume that this makes you more rational or more able to see things clearly than them. It makes you privileged, which will tend to make you less well-informed, because you've never had to be. * Don't preemptively defuse anger in feminist discussions by saying things like "I know I'm gunna get killed for this..." or similar. http://tumblr.automattack.net/post/159783844/words-are-not-fists-some-thoughts-on-how-men-work-to * At least online, or in large groups of people, not every topic requires your personal spin on it, unless you specifically are being addressed or talking about. If you're uncomfortable or uninformed or out of energy, you can remain silent and listen and learn or move on. * In a feminist conversation, listening rather than speaking is always a good option, especially if you see someone else making the points you would have made. * Do not request that women regularly make statements of general approval towards men or specific approval of you in particular, especially not in feminist discussions. (See Feminist cookie). * It is sometimes relevant and sometimes crucial to also discuss other diversity activism in feminist discussions. But refusing to take a feminist discussion seriously unless it somehow proves it is going to solve all the world's problems in one go is the definition of derailing. If you are genuinely interested in and involved in diversity activism, discuss it: set up a new thread, discussion, panel, etc, so as not to pull an existing discussion off course. But if you aren't, don't fling "yeah, well, what about other terrible inequality?" out there for the sake of it. Just because someone is talking about geek feminism doesn't mean that she doesn't know or care about other diversity problems. References